[ he's not like, actively fighting this lecture or the hand rests or anything, now, having cooled down at least a little bit. ]
We're not figuring anything out, that's part of the problem. Normally... I'm not - like, I don't know shit about what's going on at home, either, half of the time, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it, or that there aren't other things that I'm doing to help defend people, or keep people from dying somehow. And here, it's - like what good am I? What am I doing? I've got, what, a hug and a shitty joke? Throwing vouchers? I'm about to be out of those, too. I don't have any abilities that can do anything to help anyone on my own.
[ not the brains. not the magical abilities, not even the mic skills. so... it'd be nice, just once, to figure something out. every time it feels like he's onto something, it's gone. every time they get close to some kind of answer, this place slaps back and punishes them for it, too. and part of that hope of being right is what caused the issue with kon, too.
he shakes his head, though and says, quietly, voice soft, pained. ] It matters to me.
... Thought you were gonna shove me off too. I thought maybe - maybe if Kon and I won the auction, I'd be able to do something right, and keep...
[ and keep from losing someone he cared about in the blink of an eye, again.
if he'd done something better to help adora. if he'd stopped beau from throwing a truth punch. if he'd -- if he'd just done something -
it didn't matter, though. he knows it didn't, and logically, doesn't care that it didn't - what he said to beau on monday was true, that he was genuinely thrilled for them, but the terror of the idea of losing beau (and then losing kon, and then losing iris, too) had been too much, and the nasty poison of bad thoughts broke in.
it's always been a lot easier to go it alone. just him and his brothers, even if his brothers hated him. he was starting to fall back into that mindset again - that he needed to just sit back and shut up and keep his head down and do what he was supposed to do instead of fight back.
he shuts his mouth again after that, and looks away, ashamed, almost. quietly angry at himself. ] ... sorry.
no subject
We're not figuring anything out, that's part of the problem. Normally... I'm not - like, I don't know shit about what's going on at home, either, half of the time, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it, or that there aren't other things that I'm doing to help defend people, or keep people from dying somehow. And here, it's - like what good am I? What am I doing? I've got, what, a hug and a shitty joke? Throwing vouchers? I'm about to be out of those, too. I don't have any abilities that can do anything to help anyone on my own.
[ not the brains. not the magical abilities, not even the mic skills. so... it'd be nice, just once, to figure something out. every time it feels like he's onto something, it's gone. every time they get close to some kind of answer, this place slaps back and punishes them for it, too. and part of that hope of being right is what caused the issue with kon, too.
he shakes his head, though and says, quietly, voice soft, pained. ] It matters to me.
... Thought you were gonna shove me off too. I thought maybe - maybe if Kon and I won the auction, I'd be able to do something right, and keep...
[ and keep from losing someone he cared about in the blink of an eye, again.
if he'd done something better to help adora. if he'd stopped beau from throwing a truth punch. if he'd -- if he'd just done something -
it didn't matter, though. he knows it didn't, and logically, doesn't care that it didn't - what he said to beau on monday was true, that he was genuinely thrilled for them, but the terror of the idea of losing beau (and then losing kon, and then losing iris, too) had been too much, and the nasty poison of bad thoughts broke in.
it's always been a lot easier to go it alone. just him and his brothers, even if his brothers hated him. he was starting to fall back into that mindset again - that he needed to just sit back and shut up and keep his head down and do what he was supposed to do instead of fight back.
he shuts his mouth again after that, and looks away, ashamed, almost. quietly angry at himself. ] ... sorry.