[ it does surprise him a little, but he’s stubborn, puffing up a little. ]
I don’t think you can’t! I just— [ I just want to help? the words die on his tongue, though - he makes a frustrated noise and buries his other hand in his hair for a second, shaking his head.
deep breath. anger is so easy - so familiar. he has to consciously stop himself from blowing up.
in a lower, quieter voice, laced with frustration. ] I can’t stand the idea of just sitting around while people could be getting hurt.
[that's easy to see. anger is easy, anger is familiar, she feels that. she knows, but she's had - so much grace, given to her over the past few months, and she thinks she can put it to good use here. she can swallow her instinct to hit and kick and scream in order to hold out her hands to a kid that feels familiar.
she thinks she is a bit more selfish than he is, but that's okay. they can pick pieces out and trade them.]
I didn't say you can't help, babe. You can. But not in a way that's going to get you hurt or targeted. Okay? There's better ways.
[ when beau says 'i know', it doesn't feel fake or ingenuine. they're similar in a lot of ways, a lot of mindsets; he's figured that out after just a couple of weeks. to feel like this - furious and bitter and angry at the entire world, at the unfairness of a situation, of running into a brick wall no matter how many times he wants to scream and tear it down - is something that has followed ichiro his entire life, and he knows, knows that screaming and attacking it never makes it better. he knows, losing his head does nothing.
he can't stop himself, though. even now, he struggles with it, trapped somewhere in between grown up and responsible and the hotheaded kid he'd been just a couple years ago and never quite able to put both feet in one box. he has to calm down.
there's another deep breath, and he exhales, reaching up to scrub at his face, just for something to do with his free hand. ] Like what? I don't - everything in this shitty place comes with a risk. I'd rather take that knowing I can handle it than -- shit, Beau, half the people here are kids.
[ he doesn't see himself in that category, not really. ] It was Lan Wangji this time. What if next week it's Mabel? Hope? I can't let that happen. I can't, [ the frustration peaks, here, almost cracking his voice with a little bit of desperation ] and I don't know what to do to keep people safe here. I don't even know where to start.
[she reaches for his hands, when he scrubs at his face. takes them, and holds them tightly.]
You're also a kid, technically. [she says, with a touch of wryness, but then she's back into being serious again.] Next week, we take what happens, and we go. There's only so much we can do.
You have to protect yourself first, so you can protect other people. Putting yourself out in the line of fire means you're just giving them a one use shield, you know? We gotta be smart.
... We have to play along, for now, we just gotta move. And do our best to pick up the pieces when everything fucking shatters. Be there for each other when it's too much. And when we find a crack in their defenses, we go for it.
[ the first comment doesn't make him laugh, really, but he huffs, a little, and lets her take his hands. ]
...you're not that much older than me. [ he sounds maybe a little bit sulky, but that's okay. ] I can't be a kid.
[ for a lot of reasons. for that same seriousness that beau's showing now. he can't be a kid because his brothers need him. because he has to keep the lights on, pay the bills, keep jiro and saburo fed. because ikebukuro division needs him to protect it, to uphold it. to keep it safe, because no one else can step into the role that he fills. ichiro's been grown almost since he could walk.
we have to play along reminds him so much of home that he grits his teeth. but eventually, he nods. a jerky motion, at first, jittery. ] Yeah. [ yeah. just like home. some things never change. ] And then break the whole fucking thing down, when we do.
[ there's a determination that's more familiar to that, though, less busted pieces. more ichiro, the fierce defender of ikebukuro. a young man who wants nothing more than to break down the walls. ]
[she's never been really good at sweet talk, and making things sound easier, sugarcoating them. so she usually just doesn't. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. she wishes she was a little bit better at bolstering, but this is what she can do, so - she just squeezes his hands.]
What I can tell you is I'm here. Whenever you need me.
[ it's more bolstering than she thinks. it's really what he knew but didn't have the ability to put together; that this place really is just like chuuoku. that these sort of fights are never fair.
finally, he looks up at beau from where he's still sitting, stop-and-go eyes dark, brow furrowed, but determined. he's calmer, at least, that righteous, uncontrolled anger fine tuning itself into what motivates him to keep getting up on that fucking stage at home. ]
Yeah. [ he nods to that. whenever you need me. appreciative of it, maybe more than beau really knows. yeah, yeah. ] Me too - you too. 's what... what friends are for.
[ ... it's nice. to have friends. it's been a long time. ]
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No. You won't. [she says, a little harsh.] Don't even try it. You're not putting yourself in harm's way because of me, Ichiro. I can handle myself.
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I don’t think you can’t! I just— [ I just want to help? the words die on his tongue, though - he makes a frustrated noise and buries his other hand in his hair for a second, shaking his head.
deep breath. anger is so easy - so familiar. he has to consciously stop himself from blowing up.
in a lower, quieter voice, laced with frustration. ] I can’t stand the idea of just sitting around while people could be getting hurt.
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[that's easy to see. anger is easy, anger is familiar, she feels that. she knows, but she's had - so much grace, given to her over the past few months, and she thinks she can put it to good use here. she can swallow her instinct to hit and kick and scream in order to hold out her hands to a kid that feels familiar.
she thinks she is a bit more selfish than he is, but that's okay. they can pick pieces out and trade them.]
I didn't say you can't help, babe. You can. But not in a way that's going to get you hurt or targeted. Okay? There's better ways.
no subject
he can't stop himself, though. even now, he struggles with it, trapped somewhere in between grown up and responsible and the hotheaded kid he'd been just a couple years ago and never quite able to put both feet in one box. he has to calm down.
there's another deep breath, and he exhales, reaching up to scrub at his face, just for something to do with his free hand. ] Like what? I don't - everything in this shitty place comes with a risk. I'd rather take that knowing I can handle it than -- shit, Beau, half the people here are kids.
[ he doesn't see himself in that category, not really. ] It was Lan Wangji this time. What if next week it's Mabel? Hope? I can't let that happen. I can't, [ the frustration peaks, here, almost cracking his voice with a little bit of desperation ] and I don't know what to do to keep people safe here. I don't even know where to start.
no subject
You're also a kid, technically. [she says, with a touch of wryness, but then she's back into being serious again.] Next week, we take what happens, and we go. There's only so much we can do.
You have to protect yourself first, so you can protect other people. Putting yourself out in the line of fire means you're just giving them a one use shield, you know? We gotta be smart.
... We have to play along, for now, we just gotta move. And do our best to pick up the pieces when everything fucking shatters. Be there for each other when it's too much. And when we find a crack in their defenses, we go for it.
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...you're not that much older than me. [ he sounds maybe a little bit sulky, but that's okay. ] I can't be a kid.
[ for a lot of reasons. for that same seriousness that beau's showing now. he can't be a kid because his brothers need him. because he has to keep the lights on, pay the bills, keep jiro and saburo fed. because ikebukuro division needs him to protect it, to uphold it. to keep it safe, because no one else can step into the role that he fills. ichiro's been grown almost since he could walk.
we have to play along reminds him so much of home that he grits his teeth. but eventually, he nods. a jerky motion, at first, jittery. ] Yeah. [ yeah. just like home. some things never change. ] And then break the whole fucking thing down, when we do.
[ there's a determination that's more familiar to that, though, less busted pieces. more ichiro, the fierce defender of ikebukuro. a young man who wants nothing more than to break down the walls. ]
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[she's never been really good at sweet talk, and making things sound easier, sugarcoating them. so she usually just doesn't. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. she wishes she was a little bit better at bolstering, but this is what she can do, so - she just squeezes his hands.]
What I can tell you is I'm here. Whenever you need me.
no subject
finally, he looks up at beau from where he's still sitting, stop-and-go eyes dark, brow furrowed, but determined. he's calmer, at least, that righteous, uncontrolled anger fine tuning itself into what motivates him to keep getting up on that fucking stage at home. ]
Yeah. [ he nods to that. whenever you need me. appreciative of it, maybe more than beau really knows. yeah, yeah. ] Me too - you too. 's what... what friends are for.
[ ... it's nice. to have friends. it's been a long time. ]
Let's fuck this place and its stupid rules up.