you're standing in an office, as a man hands you a small envelope. you're maybe sixteen years old - you've always looked older than you are - and the shady looking guy on the couch waves his hand in your direction as you pick up the envelope and open it.

Here's today's part, he says. 30,000 yen. Go ahead and check it.

you do - the cash is there, so you nod, and the shady man laughs. "Yamada. You should still get a part time job with us, you know. How does that sound? You can stop going to school, and come find a job here."

you shake your head. ] I'd like to finish high school...

[ and the man snorts, like he's amused at your attitude. but you do, it's important to you - if you can't be a good role model in any other way, maybe at least there's that.

the man sighs. "Well, if you change your mind, come talk to me. Mr. Mozuku - the boss - he's noticed your skill, you know. You're always welcome. He's got another job for you today, if you're up for it."

you feel something churn in your gut, but by now, aren't you used to it? three years of this, now, working for mozuku, bringing back these envelopes of cash - you push the feeling down and bow your head, and turn onto the street.

the memory shifts and changes, to the scene of a house. a man is screaming, in the background. "If you're in there, you better come out, dumbass!"

There's the sound of a slam -- the screaming man slams his foot into the wall of the living room, next to the face of a man cowering on the floor. he kicks him in the stomach and the man on the floor bows over. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! R-right now, I only have 5,000 yen, please--!"

the loan shark slaps him, and screams at him about monthly payments. you just watch this happen, standing back, hands in your pockets, numb, used to it, and when you turn your head, you spot the wife and the child cowering in a corner.

you look away from the scene and come over, asking softly, ] ...hey. It's not that bad. Let me see what you've got?

[ you've always been good with kids. no matter how angry you are, no matter how bad your temper is, you've always been able to handle them, because - jiro and saburo, they're your whole world, and you were always all they had. so you speak gently, and the little boy cowering in the arms of his mother looks up at you with wide eyes as you hold out your hand.

slowly, he nods. the man being beaten screams, in the background, "Please! Please stop! My wife and son aren't involved at all!" and the other loan shark shouts, "I'm not gonna get involved with the woman and the brat! Shut up!" and slaps him again.

the little kid holds out his hand and hands you a tiny coin purse with a bear on it, and your heart lurches, because you've seen this tactic over and over. you know what this is, and when you pop the coin purse open, you have to say it. ] ...There's 6000 yen in here.

[ the loan shark you work with shouts and kicks the man on the ground, "you bastard, hiding that from us?!". the man shrieks in pain, and the wife starts begging in the background, "Please, if we continue not to have any more money, we'll --" while the child tells his mother he's hungry, holding on tight to her waist.

it hurts you to watch. you hate this. you hate every second of this, you hate this job, you hate it, hate it, hate it. the loan shark stands up and takes the money. let's go, ichiro, he says, and you turn your back. ] Got it.

[ the man on the floor wheezes and coughs, and screams at you as you turn your back. You bastards! You fucking bastards, you aren't even human! Fucking die! but you leave, the loan secured, and continue your night.

at the end of the night, you loop around to a place called sorriso's - a pizza join in ikebukuro, and make your way back to the house you did the job at with the child, earlier. you can't stop thinking about it - about the kid, who trusted you so easily. about the woman desperately trying to keep her son fed, the man screaming curses at your back. please, if we don't have any food, we'll --

you take a deep breath, and you lift your purchase. it's not much, because you can't afford much - but two large cheese pizzas and a 2 liter of soda, to go boxes carefully packed into a plastic bag. you ring the doorbell, and you loop the bag's handles around the door knob, and you turn, and you leave.

it's all you can do.

when you collect your payment from mozuku that night, when you sneak back into the orphanage, you shut your window and sit down at your bed. under your shitty, uncomfortable mattress, there are a set of larger manila envelopes, each one labeled in your messy handwriting in sharpie. this one's for jiro's educational fees. this one's for saburo's. this one's for university tuition, because you know saburo's definitely gonna go, he's so smart - jiro, maybe not, but you've got an envelope for him too. this one's for rent. this one's for groceries. electricity. you've done the math, you've found the place, and it's just a little longer. maybe just a little more, you think, as you sort out the cash you got tonight into these little envelopes. you're so close. years and years of working for mozuku and doing every dirty job under the sun might eventually come to fruition.

there's a picture of the three of you drawn in crayon wrapped around one of the envelopes. you picked it up a long time ago, when saburo didn't notice, and you take it off of the envelope and hold it to your chest.

just a little bit longer. just a little more. ]