[ he's alive here, so - why shouldn't that continue? he gives beau a little jostle where he's got an arm hooked around her, trying for a little encouraging. ] And then you can be who you are and he'll get to see it. Pretty awesome, if you ask me.
[ he doesn't say that you guys are a bunch of assholes, because it kind of seems like it, but like, affectionately? but he thinks it. mostly because he gets it. he knows what that feels like. ]
Yeah? More familiar's better, anyway.
[ there's a pause, here, as he seems to consider saying something - but whatever ichiro's going to say doesn't make it out, because it's beau's turn to get a little piece of his memories, too. ]
[ it starts with a day off. you've been working for a loan shark for two years now, pretending to be older than you were - he knows you're only sixteen, but doesn't really care. mozuku tells you he can't have a talent like you burning out (and he hates when he calls you that, a talent, like the only thing you're good for is being angry) and makes you take a day off from working, no matter how bad you need money. you're not even sure what to do with a day off.
... but luckily for you, you run into the one guy who probably does - kuko. red haired, half your height, and a wrecking ball of a human being, kuko is a self-declared monk with the worst potty mouth you've ever known and the temprament of a gremlin. you work together, sometimes - he never tells you much about how he got here or where he's from, he never asks you any questions, and more than anything, he's just - he's persistent, he's loyal, and he is your friend.
when he calls you his best friend, you feel something so small and so tender in your heart ache, because you're - you're just the angry delinquent. the orphan. you don't have friends. you don't have anyone besides your little brothers, and you have to work for them, every day. have to get good grades, have to go to school, have to work this shitty dirty job, have to work the clean jobs, have to do everything you can for them, and you're okay with that.
but kuko declares that you are best friends and you have never felt more thankful for it, even if you bluster a little because you do think it's a little crazy that he just kind of decides this for you. you have a stupid day where you dick off together - you get your ass kicked by the mechanical bull (kuko goes to kick it in the face afterwards, and gets headbutted in the balls, and makes a whole scene, and you think, affectionately, that this is the dumbest guy you have ever met in your entire life) you play sports, you play arcade games, you even help babysit a coworker's kid together, and you take on that mechanical bull again to win her a bigass prize at the arcade, and succeed. you're both thrown off at the end of the three minute timer, and you look at kuko, and he looks at you, and you just beam at each other, as you finally think, maybe this is what it feels like to belong.
you and kuko go through everything together. he is always there, he always has your back. you start rapping together when the anti-war pact goes through, and he's crazy good at it, and so are you. you drink cokes in alleyways after your victories, and kuko spouts wisdom that he claims is from the mahayana sutras (you are pretty sure he just made it up), and it is a bright spot in your life even at the worst times.
the memory moves on, and one day, you get a phone call from kuko, asking him to meet you at ikebukuro's west gate park.
you lay there on the ground after he's punched you. you refuse to move, because you can't - it feels like you're frozen, as your heart squeezes so tight in your chest that it feels like it's shattering. you stare at the ground, and you pant, and you try and replay the entire scene that just happened over and over and over.
the way he stopped. the way he hesitated, the way he held his head - and then suddenly screamed at you, the way just yesterday you were goofing around with samatoki-san and sasara - the dark look in his eyes and the way he screamed that he hated you, he hated you.
rational doesn't matter. thought doesn't matter. you taste blood in your mouth, and it tastes like heartbreak.
you keep it together until you make it back to samatoki's office. he's pissed off too, and you sit on his couch, and while he's ranting and talking about sasara - how he also just snapped on him, you can't stop thinking about it, and you stare at the ground, and samatoki falls silent. ]
...we started off as enemies. [ you say, and your voice feels so small - there's something thick in your throat. ] - but... the more we battled together, the more we did stuff together, we became friends before I even knew it.
[ and you remember. your mind reels with it, with laughing and talking, shared cokes and kuko's affectionate brohugs and the way he wormed his way into your life without you even asking. ] We went through so much awful shit, but we made it through together.
[ and you feel it surmounting as you talk, feel the pressure building up behind your eyes and suddenly everything just breaks -
and you start sobbing, for the first time since you were a kid.
[hey fuck you sisi i refuse to play from hypmic of all things hello
anyway. the pressure building up behind her eyes carries over out of the memory itself, and immediately, she's tugging him down to hug. no words quite yet. just - wow. wow, yeah.]
anyway. it's funny - there aren't a lot of memories that ichiro's had to share so far that have hurt him quite as badly as this one. this is a loss that still kills him. this is something he still thinks about, every time he enters a division battle, any time he sees badass temple written on the qualifiers' field.
his eyes are wet, too, and the pull into the hug surprises him. ichiro holds still for a moment, a little lost in the old memories, and the cruelty of pairing up such a happy time in his life with such a fucking miserable one, before he lifts his hands and curls them tight in beau's shirt.
it's going to take him a minute - he holds his breath and screws his eyes shut and tries to force back the feeling of wanting to cry. ]
[she says, quieter. she sucks at words, so she doesn't try those, but she does hold him very tightly, bringing a hand up to run through his hair. she can do this much. she won't even tell anybody if he does actually cry.
there's a lot that resonates in that memory. a lot of responsibility, a lot of - well, the feeling of betrayal, of thinking something isn't quite right. the feeling of finding someone who cares about you. so she just holds him for a while, because for once, she thinks she can be the mature one.
just to take some of that responsibility off his shoulders for a bit.]
[ he just sort of stays there, for a long moment - tense, tense, tense underneath beau's grip. he doesn't cry, even at the hand in his hair, because being reminded of this fucking sucks, but it's not new. that's just how things were. kuko...
... he shakes his head, after a second of this, letting beau hold him tight for a minute, and then says, muffled, quiet. ] ...it's okay, Beau.
[ yeah. it's okay. he pushes himself away, finally, letting go, and inhales, reaching up to scrub at his face. ]
...just been a while, since I thought about that. The first part. [ the second part never leaves him. kuko. he was my best friend. ] ...he's a good guy.
[ that gets him to snort? he kind of can't help it, the noise a little humorless, a little hysterical, but what else can you do. ]
...'s not that. [ because ultimately, it's not so much about being strong and manly. ichiro wears his heart on his sleeve - he always has, for the good, for the bad - and he rubs at his face again, keeping his cool. ] I... I know, I know.
I just... [ because ichiro, even now, still doesn't have any friends. nineteen years old, parent of two, leader of a division, of a home. he's less distrusting, now, less harsh, but he never had the chance to have much of a childhood and took on the responsibility of growing up fast, and that has consequences. ]
...y'know, I still don't know what happened. Why he was like that. We never talked again, and I don't hold it against him, but... I wish I knew what I did to make things so wrong.
[it's not even that, it's more the - it's fine, don't worry about me, I can be responsible bit that she's protesting, but she lets it go.]
... Well. [she starts, and then. sighs.] I don't think it was your fault. I don't think you did shit, Ichiro, you know what that looked like to me? Someone trying to push their friend away so they wouldn't get hurt by whatever bad shit they were about to get pulled into.
his brows furrow - ichiro wants that to be true so bad. it does seem plausible, but he just... he never had the time to chase down the answers, and in the end, that was no one's fault but his own. ] We were all involved in bad shit, though. I mean - them leaving helped us make our big crew, the one we were gonna break everything down with, but... I would've been happy hanging with Kuko and the other two forever, you know?
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[ he's alive here, so - why shouldn't that continue? he gives beau a little jostle where he's got an arm hooked around her, trying for a little encouraging. ] And then you can be who you are and he'll get to see it. Pretty awesome, if you ask me.
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Yeah, I guess. [so many people here just like to compliment her? it's weird?] If he sees it and is nice about it, it won't be him.
[... haha.]
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Yeah? More familiar's better, anyway.
[ there's a pause, here, as he seems to consider saying something - but whatever ichiro's going to say doesn't make it out, because it's beau's turn to get a little piece of his memories, too. ]
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anyway. the pressure building up behind her eyes carries over out of the memory itself, and immediately, she's tugging him down to hug. no words quite yet. just - wow. wow, yeah.]
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anyway. it's funny - there aren't a lot of memories that ichiro's had to share so far that have hurt him quite as badly as this one. this is a loss that still kills him. this is something he still thinks about, every time he enters a division battle, any time he sees badass temple written on the qualifiers' field.
his eyes are wet, too, and the pull into the hug surprises him. ichiro holds still for a moment, a little lost in the old memories, and the cruelty of pairing up such a happy time in his life with such a fucking miserable one, before he lifts his hands and curls them tight in beau's shirt.
it's going to take him a minute - he holds his breath and screws his eyes shut and tries to force back the feeling of wanting to cry. ]
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[she says, quieter. she sucks at words, so she doesn't try those, but she does hold him very tightly, bringing a hand up to run through his hair. she can do this much. she won't even tell anybody if he does actually cry.
there's a lot that resonates in that memory. a lot of responsibility, a lot of - well, the feeling of betrayal, of thinking something isn't quite right. the feeling of finding someone who cares about you. so she just holds him for a while, because for once, she thinks she can be the mature one.
just to take some of that responsibility off his shoulders for a bit.]
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... he shakes his head, after a second of this, letting beau hold him tight for a minute, and then says, muffled, quiet. ] ...it's okay, Beau.
[ yeah. it's okay. he pushes himself away, finally, letting go, and inhales, reaching up to scrub at his face. ]
...just been a while, since I thought about that. The first part. [ the second part never leaves him. kuko. he was my best friend. ] ...he's a good guy.
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a pause.]
You know it doesn't have to be. [...] You don't gotta do the strong man thing around me, babe.
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...'s not that. [ because ultimately, it's not so much about being strong and manly. ichiro wears his heart on his sleeve - he always has, for the good, for the bad - and he rubs at his face again, keeping his cool. ] I... I know, I know.
I just... [ because ichiro, even now, still doesn't have any friends. nineteen years old, parent of two, leader of a division, of a home. he's less distrusting, now, less harsh, but he never had the chance to have much of a childhood and took on the responsibility of growing up fast, and that has consequences. ]
...y'know, I still don't know what happened. Why he was like that. We never talked again, and I don't hold it against him, but... I wish I knew what I did to make things so wrong.
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... Well. [she starts, and then. sighs.] I don't think it was your fault. I don't think you did shit, Ichiro, you know what that looked like to me? Someone trying to push their friend away so they wouldn't get hurt by whatever bad shit they were about to get pulled into.
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[ that's a much nicer answer than canon whew
his brows furrow - ichiro wants that to be true so bad. it does seem plausible, but he just... he never had the time to chase down the answers, and in the end, that was no one's fault but his own. ] We were all involved in bad shit, though. I mean - them leaving helped us make our big crew, the one we were gonna break everything down with, but... I would've been happy hanging with Kuko and the other two forever, you know?
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Yeah, sure. But if you guys were friends, and he wanted to protect you - I don't know. I can see myself doing something like that.
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you really aren't that far off
he huffs to that, though, and gives beau a little smile. ]
... yeah. I hope you're right. [ after a beat, though; ] I mean, I would've fought whatever it was with him, if I could. That goes for you too.
[ a little nudge. ] Don't leave me behind, okay? Everybody - we're always stronger together.
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she pauses, and then smiles up at him.]
Yeah. You're right. We are stronger together. Which is fucking crazy to say, actually. [she never thought she'd get to this point.]